I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
