I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
