speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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