He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She bit a glass in half.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
