just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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