You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
