you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
