Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
