Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
