you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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