I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
