um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize