I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize