I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
