I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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