Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
