it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
