There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
