After last night, I could never be a politician.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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