the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
