I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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