dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
