Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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