First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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