The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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