Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
