Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
