everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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