I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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