That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
