My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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