Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My ass is underappreciated
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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