Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
