I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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