I think I died a long time ago.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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