My first STD was from a foam party
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize