We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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