I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
