So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Randomize
