Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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