So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
