Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
