I just gift wrapped bread.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
