In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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