this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
