yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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