i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
