here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
