Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
