I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
