and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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