Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
