There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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