my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize