just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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