You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
