she woke up with a sticky ear
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My ass is underappreciated
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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