so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
