That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
