she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize