the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize