The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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